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Ten great reasons to not record here.


When I think of the hordes of people reading these bloggledy revelations it becomes apparent that many of you are not recording here at Cosmic Pig Studios as of yet. The numbers are staggering when you think about it. Out of probably six people reading this, not counting my Mom, only three are actually recording here. If you do the math that's like a billion percent not recording here. Heartfelt observation in combination with incessant whining doesn't appear to work, So I'll try a different tack. I'm no good at the master wizard of arcane mystery thing, or the successful because we're so cool and seriously connected to the industry thing. Although I'm all that and a cup of go fuck your hat, it's just not me. Those standard sales techniques involve very subtle facial work to give off an air of deining to stoop to your level out of pity for your lackluster talent and broken dreams. A sort of vaguely pained snotty smile that says "you're very lucky we have time for you. We're used to working with professional studio musicians. This is a personal favor" type dealio. I'm no good at it. At many studios cultivating that look is more important than skill. I've ranted in many past blatherationables why you shouldn't record somewhere else, so in the interests of fairness I'll tell you why you shouldn't record here either. Without further aplomb I present: Ten reasons to not record at Cosmic Pig Studios. 1. I smoke cigarettes. I try not to in the studio, and never when clients are in, but they tell me it smells like the Smiling Buddha in 1978 after welfare wednesday. 2. I don't use the fame dangle or hint at success after the recording. Tragically, it's all you in the studio and after the studio. All any studio does is capture sound and mix it. Some do it better than others, but within reason it makes very little difference to the success of your music. There are many solid studios around that will accurately capture and reproduce your music. If you're talking producering that's a whole nuther story. Then I'm awesome. just remember, I'm awesome at helping you create and record a song people like and that's all. After that you're on your own. As ranted about endlessly in past blitherings, no studio at any level has anything to do with what comes after the recording is done. 3. I don't party it up while recording. I don't care if you do, either toking or drinking, but I can't. If I start drinking production goes to hell and my pants come off. 4. I'm a bit overweight and 54 years old. Even more good reason not to partake in #3. 5. My setup sucks. It's perfectly functional and I get good sounds but it doesn't look all slick. Musicians are like anybody else: enamored by bling. We'll pay twice as much for half the product if it looks fancy while we do it. Packaging is everything. At the risk of boring myself to death going on so endlessly about this ancient rant I'll just say this: Ignore the desperate need for justification and redemption for your wasted hours chasing dreams. Act like a professional and think about what you need to accurately capture the heart and soul in your music. Sometimes it might be a blingy studio, sometimes it's not. The goal should be the creation of music people will enjoy and listen to. You have a few things to think over, time, sound quality, and what is the best way to do your best work. 6. I can't think of anything for reason six. 7. I'm too awesome. You might feel inadequate as a human around me due to my extreme awesomeness, and that could affect the recording. When musicians witness my ninja like skills they tend to stare at me speechless. You should see me adjust the height of a mic stand. It's all Hi-yah and whack whack done. People have fainted in the presence of my total skill at pop filter placement. I put it in front of the mic just so and everybody's all like 'wow how cool is that guy'. They often take pictures. 8. I farted in the sound booth a few weeks back and it still smells funny in there. Not funny ha ha, more of a poopy what the hell were you eating type funny. Last few people that sang in there I thought were really getting into it, turns out they were singing and dry heaving at the same time. Dry heaves and emotional performance can be hard to distinguish. 9. As evidenced by #8, when out of things to say I'm not above ass humor. 10. I think I'm highfuckinlarious but I'm not really. Bonus reason #11. I tend to swear too much. So there ya go. 10 reasons with a hidden bonus reason for reading this far. All for free. People have paid ten times that much and received far less reasons to not record somewhere. Hopefully that's enough to dissuade you from ever recording here or visiting my website again. If not, come by for a visit and you can see for yourself why recording here is a seriously bad idea.


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