One of the many thousands who read these misdirected anjioplastic ventings sent me an email suggesting a look at Christy Clark's grant of 15 million to revitalize the BC music scene. That's right, I said many thousands. If it wasn't for my rigidly enforced delusions I'd just be another dufus atop a tiny soapbox flatulating along at nobody in an ungoogled corner of the net. Yay delusions! Anyways, 15 mil is all great and stuff. Tragically, it won't actually do anything, anywhere, ever. I assume some of it will go to music programs in schools, which is swell. There's some vague references to helping music events, also swell, and some other stuff, sweller than all by golly heck. Here's a link to the Georgia Straight article.
To quote the article: "Chad Kroeger, Matt Good, Bruce Allen, Dan Mangan, Mother Mother’s Ryan Guldemond, and Michael Buble, who wrote a forward for the document, were just a few B.C.-born musicians and industry professionals in attendance to lend their support for the report, which is described as “a roadmap to reclaim B.C.’s proud music heritage and ignite its potential as a cultural and economic driver”." What you have there is a bunch of rich people in Brian Adam's studio where only the rich get good mixes queueing up to the government money trough. Vancouver has had a well known musical heritage since the sixties as a place musicians go to die. Elephant's graveyard type dealio. The crowds are less responsive here and there are less gigs than the rest of Canada. Ask any musician, old school or new. This city has always had the worst rep in Canada. I don't blame all those famous musicians for thinking we had some kind of music scene. First thing that happens when you get rich and famous is you become completely disconnected from reality. You don't have to hustle gigs or do the call of shame to tell Long and Mcquade the payment is imminent for sure right after you pay last months rent. Famous musicians have an entourage, an entire industry, even the government, constantly blowing smoke up their asses about how wonderful everything is. Currently, Vancouver does in fact have a large and robust music scene, just not for musicians. The "entertainment district" as they call the drunken disco zoo on Granville every weekend is bustling with media nurtured bloated egos flapping around in the road throwing up on themselves. They do have a few live music venues down there like the Roxy, but most are DJ's, which is short for DweebJaculators. The Fan Club had bands but switched to strippers. The Yale has re-opened but isn't worth shit from all reports. Funnily enough there's a weird live scene going on down there with the buskers. There's a few pretty good ones. I've seen a few small crowds of drunken revellers on the sidewalk shrieking along to Bye Bye Miss American Pie and the like. There's a few hurdles to overcome before a live music scene could gather any momentum. It starts with a strip of bars with wicked bands. Famous strips like Beale Street in Memphis, Bourbon Street in New Orleans, and Branson Missouri, to name a few. One could consider those cities as having a "live music scene". So the first hurdle would be getting a strip of club owners together on it. There's a few likely areas with enough bars to get it going, like Gastown or Columbia street in New West. Easy peasy until you start talking to club owners. The majority find bands to be a loud and expensive anchor around their necks dragging them into bankruptcy. They have no idea of the potential of good entertainment, and if they do they haven't the time to chase it down. If you're lucky and catch them when they're drunk you might manage to convince them live music will make money, but the minute you tell them they'll have to move precious empty tables out of the way and build a stage and buy lights and whatever, they'll spit boozey laughter in your face. I don't entirely blame them either. Live music is a tough road to hoe these days. The second problem is the diversity of live music. Jazz, blues, classic rock, country, bangra, punk, ska, original bands, and much etc. Fortunately the type of crowd it would attract is somewhat more mature and diverse in their music. Lots of blues fans enjoy a good ska band etc. The third is the general quality of bands ain't what it used to be. There are some great one's out there, but as whined incessantly about in previous blog posts, it's a sales contest. So whatever strip that decides to go for it would maybe need a central booking group that actually goes out to find good bands. Like, leaves the office to check bands out. There's a whack of really good bands around, but you have to hustle to find them. Not the other way around as many club owners and bookers of bands never figure out. They could also do the promotion. Or organize house bands that rotate players. One might think a booking agent could do that, but again, they don't actually ever leave the office. Local talent agencies do what everybody else does; check the song list to make sure every tune is the equivalent to "Little Pink Houses" by John Cougar Melonhead, then make sure there's somebody purty in the band pic. Down in the southern states I've heard when they find a good band they keep them. they call them "House bands". What a concept. It would never get off the ground but it's a lovely thought. As for what else 15 mil might be good for, how bout helping some of the homeless. Or give it to me. I could use it to fund a study. ...Hey try saying "fund a study" a few times. It's fun. I could fund a study to determine exactly how much fun it is to say Fundastudy. Then after spending the 15 mil on hookers and blow I'll do a big media release as to my findings. There'll be a pic of me holding my hands as wide apart as possible with the caption: "It's this much fun to say." That's the standard method of spending government money as evidenced by the pics of politicians saying "the new Port mann is this wide". Back in the bad old days before disco and recycling there were a few things that drove the live music scene. Easy welfare checks. The sorely tried patience of Long and Mcquade's in house financing. But of course the happy funtime numbah one reason was: It made money. Live music was top 40, now it isn't. If you wanted a full club you hired a band, now you put in a sound system and hire a DweebJaculator. That's coming to an end, but I'll get into that later. One time back around '77 or so I went to one of the newfangled discotheques that were sprouting up here and there. I was underage of course. Two things were immediately apparent. First I noticed the bass drum had way more oomph. The band I was in at the time wasn't mic'ing anything except vocals, and if we had mic'd the kick through the ancient Traynor columns we called a PA system it would have just farted and died in a shower of sparks and flying bits of flaming speaker paper. Second thing I noticed was a couple up on the dance floor dressed in matching shiny outfits. I sneered and laughed and pointed. Little did I know I was witnessing the end of the golden age of live music. No competition on a stage for the dweebery to impress the opposite sex, and way bigger kick drum. I still sneer and point, but the laughing has turned to bitter old guy bitching. So essentially, instead of spending years of hard work learning how to play an instrument to attract women and get laid, all you needed was to dress like a 70's pimp and go to the disco with lots of cocaine to get laid. I wonder which came first, the coke or the spandex. Surely one begat the other. Musicians discovered coke and spandex and big kick too, which kept the dreaded disco somewhat at bay through the eighties, but it was a losing battle for the spotlight. It also opened the door to a whack of bad soundmen who could make it real loud, but couldn't make it kick. Or maybe it was all the guitar players with mullets making horrid attempts at finger tapping out Eruption by Eddie Van Halen. Scissor kicks and foot-on-the-monitor finger tapping guitar solos while wearing spandex. We may have lost the battle right there. Whatever the reason, disco won. But I'm pissing and moaning again. The bottom line on the 15 mil is I can't see how it will make much difference. To do it up right you'd need way more dough. 15 mil could possibly put one city on the map as an entertainment destination, but it's supposedly for the entire province. So there's your first battle; where to focus it. Because of the masses of talent in the lower mainland I think logically it would have to be here. I can't imagine how you could do anything for small town BC that would make any real dent because you have to ship the talent in and build an infrastructure of hotels etc. Look at the mass of talent and money Branson Missouri had to round up to be included on that map of places to go listen to great music. Or hey, maybe they could use that cash to keep the damn skytrain open until after the bars close. Sure it would help the computerized dweebjaculators too, but there's a whole concept of becoming an entertainment destination being missed utterly here. First you need to convince the rest of BC that it needs to start with one killer strip in one city. Then you have to convince a bunch or bar owners, then a city council, then the people in the area. Then you need the dough to police it well or Mr. and Mrs. Averagelivemusiclistener will be disgusted with the flapping and the vomiting and won't come back. Then you need to wait out the months of debate and grand posturing and outraged letters to editors, and last but not least you'd have to keep the stupid skytrain open. Then you could start. Of course the 15 mil would be well munched by then from all the frenzied money pigs snuffling at the trough. Now here's why it should happen soon. Disco is coming to an end. I give it another 5 or 6 years max. The pendulum is swinging and you can smell the desperation on the laser lit dance floors everywhere. There's a live music revolution on the way. There's great new bands sprouting up everywhere with huge followings. Soon the only place you'll be able to strut your computer will be at the Legions with the other old folks. When it happens the cities that are ready will clean up. Those that don't, won't. Plus the dollar won't sit at 70 cents American forever. Call me Christy Clarke, we'll talk. No, not "call me Christy Clarke", as in that's what you should call me. I mean Christy Clarke, call me. Pre-emptive stike on the punctuation nazis. Preemtive. Fundastudy fundastudy. Wheeee.